HRD Notice of a company to employees!

Dear STAFF,

Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.

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1) TRANSPORTATION:

It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.

A) If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

B) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.

C) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

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2) ANNUAL LEAVE :

Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year ( Wow! Said 1 employee).

- They are called SATURDAYs AND SUNDAYs.

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3) LUNCH BREAK:

A) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

B) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

C) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

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4) SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness.

- If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

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5) SURGERY :

As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.

- You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.

- To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

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6) INTERNET USAGE :

All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges
Will be deducted from your salary.

- Important Note: Charges applicable as Rs.20 per minute as we have 10MB connection.

Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed somewhere else.

Best Regards,
HRD

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room.
'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee,
'Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?'
he asks solemnly.

'Yes I do' she replies.

The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?'

'Yes! I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.
'Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said,
'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his
cheek and said,'I would have been released today!' L L

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a Question........

The driver screamed! Lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, bounced on the pavement scaring bystanders, scraped an electric pole and finally stopped just few centimeters from a shop window!!

For a second everything went very quiet in the cab, and then the driver said grasping for breath said - "Look dear sir, PLEASE don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!!!!!!!!!"

The passenger though a bit confused, apologized and said, " Well - I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much……………………..??

The driver replied, "Sorry sir, it's not really your fault!
Today is my FIRST day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for the last 25 years!!!

Have a look at this funny video, Oooopss!!!

Cat-telligent-funny.wmv (323.29 kb)

IT Designations

Wonderful definitions of IT designations at office.

1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks Nine women can deliver a baby in One month.
2) Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver ababy.
3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babiesin one month.
4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.
5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'llproduce a child with zero resources.
7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.
8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby

Before marriage.....

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: No! Don't even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course! Over and over!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: No! Why are you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Every chance I get.

She: Will you hit me?

He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

He: Yes.

She: Darling!

After marriage....

Simply read from bottom to top.

HOW TO START YOUR DAY WITH A POSITIVE ATTITUDE :

1. Open a new file in your PC .

2. Name it " Boss "

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN

5. Your  PC will ask you,

"Are you sure you want to delete Boss Permanently?"

6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....  

or “ HIT ” the enter button.

7. Feel better?

HAVE A NICE DAY

:)