A man went into a grocery store, got 3 cans of dog food,
and walked up to the checkout counter.
The cashier asks the man, "Sir, do you own a dog?"
The man replies, "Yes I do."
The cashier then asks, "Do you have the dog with you?"
 The man replies, "No, I left it at home."
The cashier then says, "I'm sorry,
but I can't sell you this dog food unless I see your dog."
A few days later the man walks into the same store,
gets 3 cans of cat food, and walks up to the checkout counter.
The same cashier asks, "Sir, do you own a cat?"
The man replies, "Yes I do."
The cashier then asks, "Do you have your cat with you?"
And the man replies, "No, I left it at home."
Then the cashier says, "I'm sorry,
 but I can't sell you this cat food unless I see your cat."
A few days later the man walks into the store,
this time carrying a paper bag.
He walks up to the same cashier,
and asks him to put his hand into the bag.
The cashier says, "It feels warm, soft, and gooey."
The man then says, "Now, can I go back and get 3 rolls of toilet paper?"

DEATH ROW

A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer
were on death row waiting to go in the electric chair.

The chemist was brought forward first.
"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the
executioner, strapping him in.

"No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch
and nothing happened.

Under State law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner
is to be released, so the chemist was released.

Then the biologist was brought forward.
"Do you have anything you want to say?"
"No, just get on with it."

The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing
happened,so the biologist was released.

Then the electrical engineer was brought forward.
"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the
executioner.

"Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the red and the
blue wires over, you might make this thing work."

JAPANESE NAMES

Q: A japanese couple have twins, what do they name them?
A: Jo Hua , So hua.

YOUNG BOY

A young man visited his sister who was married to a farmer
in a poor district of the country. Since there were limited 
accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young 
nephew. 
When the young man came into the bedroom, he saw the 
little boy kneeling at the side of the bed with his head 
bowed. 
Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he 
decided to present a good example and kneeled at the 
other side of the bed with his head bowed. 
The child looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?" 
"Why, the same thing you're doing", replied the uncle. 
"Ma's gonna be mad", said the boy. "The pot's on this 
side". 

SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man
realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for
an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be
the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper
by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

SARDAR JI ON AIR INDIA

Surinder Singh's uncle was booked into an Air India flight to Bombay. 
But as this was his first time in an aeroplane, he made a few preparations that were out of place. 
When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, the 
uncle declared loudly, "I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don't 
charge me for food and drinks!" So, as everybody was given their in-flight 
meal, the uncle began spreading out his own home-cooked meal. 
The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher and was curious about the food.
"Excuse me, what is that drink?" he asked. 
The uncle picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, 
"Milk of India!" 
Then the uncle took out several pieces of chappatis and started 
feasting. "And what is that dish?" asked the curious American. 
"Wheat of India!" replied the uncle proudly. 
Finally, the uncle took out some desserts. He offered some to the American. 
"What is it?" asked the American. 
"Sweets of India!" replied the old man. 
After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud 
"pooooooooot!" sound from the uncle. 
"What was that?" asked the American, holding his nose in disgust. 
The old man replied coolly, "That's Air India." 

FUNNY TELEGRAMS

TELEGRAM #1 A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams, which the father receives as : "Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."
 

TELEGRAM #2 A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a telegram to his wife: "I wish you were here." The message received by wife: "I wish you were her." 
 

TELEGRAM #3 A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to railway station to return to her husband. At the reservation counter, while her turn came, it was the last ticket. Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the queue, she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which reached as: "Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an old lady." 
 

TELEGRAM #4 A man from Agra went to Ajmer. His wife was in her parent's house in Delhi. When the man went to Ajmer, he asked his servant to send a telegram to his wife indicating about his trip to Ajmer. When the wife received the telegram, she fainted. It was written:'sethji aaj mar gaye ! (Sethji Ajmer gaye) 

ADVANTAGES OF BREAST MILK

In science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. 
The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." 
What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, 
hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to 
write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. 
Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled 
his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
He received an A.

SEP 11 RELATED

The Prime Minister of China called President Bush to condole him after the
attack on the Pentagon: 

"I'm sorry to hear about the attack. It is a very big tragedy. But in case
you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies of
everything." 

The Israeli Prime Minister calls Bush on 11th sept: 
 

Israel PM: "Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It
is a real tragedy. So many people, such great buildings...I would like to
ensure that we had nothing in connection with that..., It was not us... "

Bush: "What buildings? What people??" 

Israel PM: "Oh, and what time it is in America now? "

Bush: " It's eight in the morning."

Israel PM: "Oops...Will call back in an hour! Bye bye. "

SANTA SINGH

One day a sardarji was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor 
building when a man came running in to his office and shouted "Santa Singh 
your daughter Preeto just died in an accident" Sardarji was in panic.Not 
knowing what to do he jumped from his office window. While coming down when 
he was near the tenth floor he remembered he didn't have a daughter named 
Preeto. When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not 
married.When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Santa 
Singh.

RELAXING ( RELAK SINGH ) N BANTA SINGH

One Sardar was enjoying Sun on a Beach in UK.A lady came and asked him, " 
Are you relaxing" Sardar answered '" No I am Banta Singh" Another Guy Came 
and asked the same Question. Sardar answered " No No Me Banta Singh" Third 
one came and asked the same question Sardar was totally annoyed and decided 
to shift his place. While walking he saw another Sardar enjoying the Beach. 
He went and asked him " Are you Relaxing?" The other Sardar was much 
educated and answered "Yes I am relaxing. The Sardar slapped him on his face 
and said "Idiot, Sab tere Ko wahahn dhoond rahe hai aur tu Yahaan Aaram Kar 
raha hai. " (Translation ... Idiot everyone is looking for you and you are 
relaxing here!!!!!)

THE SWIMMING SINGH

Three men were stranded on an uninhabited island. 
One was Hindu, one a Muslim, and the other a Singh. 
The only way back home was to swim 100miles to the next island, which was 
inhabited. 
The Muslim was so determined to get home that he tried to swim. 
He made it 50miles, got tired, and drowned. 
Then the Hindu tried. He made it 75 miles, but got tired and he 
too drowned. 

The Singh thought he could make it all the way, so he started 
swimming. 
He swam 50 miles, but started getting tired, so he turned around 
and swam all the way back to the first island. 

THE TRAIN DRIVER SINGH

Once there was a train, which was going peacefully on the 
rail-tracks. 
Suddenly the train deviated from the tracks, went into the fields 
nearby and then came back on the tracks. The passengers were horrified. 
At the next railway station the driver was arrested. He was found 
to be a Singh. 
As he was questioned, he explained that there was a man standing 
on the tracks and was not moving from there even after blowing the horn, 
flashing the lights etc. 
The authorities questioned : Mr. Singh are you mad! Just to save 
the life of one person you put the lives of so many passengers in danger. 
You should have run that person over. 
Singh said : That is exactly what I had decided, but this idiot 
started running towards the field when the train got real close. 

SINGH'S ENGLISH LANGUAGE

Banta Singh finished his English exam and came out. 
His friends asked him how did he do his exam, for that he replied: 
"Exam was okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, 
thought, thought 
and at last I wrote THUNK!!!" 

SINGH TAKES THE TEST

Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final 
examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question 
paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off 
and throws them out of the window. 
He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. 
His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit.
The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going 
on. 
"Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar," he says, " it 
says here, 
'Answer the following questions in brief'. 

SINGH AFTER DINNER

A Singh goes to a hotel and eats heartily. 
After eating he goes to wash his hands, but starts washing the 
basin 
instead. 
The manager comes running and asks him, "Mr. Singh, what are you 
doing?" To 
this the Singh replies, "Oye, see the board here says "Wash 
Basin". 

ANCESTORS 

After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists 
found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to
the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network 
one thousand years ago. So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that 
followed, American scientists dug 200m, and headlines in the US 
newspapers read:- "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old 
optical fibres,and have concluded that their ancestors already had 
advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the 
Russians. "
One week later, the Pakistani press reported the following:- 

"After digging as deep as 500m, Pakistani scientists have found 
absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their 
ancestors were already using mobile phones". 

CORRECT ENGLISH

Teacher: Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the 
field" 

Student: A cow and a bull is grazing in the field 

Teacher: How? 

Student: Ladies first. 

HEAVEN

If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class. 
"No!" the children all answered. 
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" 
Again, the answer was "NO!" 
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again. 
Again, they all answered, "NO!" 
"Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" 
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

FORTUNE TELLER

Customer: Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in  my tea cup? 

Waiter : I wouldn't know, Sir, I'm a waiter, not a  fortune teller.

MEMON IN HEAVEN
 

A memon died and went to heaven. 
When he got to the pearly gate, gate keeper told him that new rules 
were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. 
In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must 
answer two questions: 

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T". 
2. How many seconds are there in a year? 

The memon thought for a few minutes and answered... 

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and 
Tomorrow. 
2. There are 12 seconds in a year. 

Gate keeper said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, 
even though it's not the answer I expected. 
But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?" 

The memon replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc..." 
Gate keeper opened the gate without another word. 

LETTER POST

Customer: If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Karimabad in 
two days time? 

Post Master: Well it might do. 

Customer: I bet you, it won't. 

Post Master: Why not? 

Customer: It's addressed to Kharadar. 

LARRY'S BAR

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, 
my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she 
goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, 
she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm 
going crazy. What do you think I should do?" 
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath 
and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly 
is Larry's bar?" 

GOOD OR BAD

Harry is sitting at a bar one afternoon.  Another guywalks in and says, 

"Charlie!!  I haven't seen you in 20 years!  How've ya been? 
Charlie: Oh, I just got married. 
Harry: Oh, that's good! 
C: It's not that good, she's very homely. 
H: Oh, that's bad. 
C: It's not that bad, she's very wealthy 
H: Oh, that's good! 
C: It's not that good, she's very stingy. 
H: Oh, that's bad. 
C: It's not that bad, she built me a new house. 
H: Oh, that's good! 
C: It's not that good, the house burnt down. 
H: Oh, that's bad. 
C: It's not that bad, she was in it 

BILL GATES VS LALOO OF BIHARI

"Conversation between Bill Gates and our very own Laloo of Bihari "
Gates: Namaskar! you must have heard of Windows. 
Laloo: Oh yes! most govt. offices we have the single window clearance concept. 
Gates: At home have u installed Windows? 
Laloo: I have removed all windows due to increased burgalaries in our house. 
Gates(Confused): Then what is the system you operate on? 
Laloo: OPERATION? Yes, I had a Hernia operation last month. 
Gates(Sweating): Hope the internet is being used a lot in India. 
Laloo: Oh Yes! Due to increased mosquito problems many people are sleeping under the net. 
Gates: By the year 2000 India should export computer chips. 
Laloo: We are already exporting Uncle Chips. 
Gates(Feeling very Uneasy): do you regularly use LapTops? 
Laloo: My grand-child sleeps on the top of my lap. 
Gates(Heavily Sweating): The Chief Minister of Andhra Pradesh knows a lot about RAM and ROM. 
Laloo: RUM? Prohibition is being lifted and it will be shortly available in A.P.. 
Gates(Feeling Dizzy): I would like to take your leave before my system crashes. 
Laloo: I have exhausted all my leave. 
Gates: I have no energy left, let us go out and have a bite. 
Laloo: BITE? I believe in non-violence. I will not bite. 
Gates: (System Crashes and Found Missing). "Windows is restarting. Please wait............." 

NEWSPAPER

WIFE : " I wish I was a newspaper, so I'd be in ur hands all day." 
HUSBAND : " I too wish that u were a newspaper, so I could have a new one everyday." 

SARDAR JI BUIYING COLOR TV
 

Sardarji is buying a TV "Do you have colour TVs?"
"Sure." 
"Give me a green one, please." 

SARDARJI CALLS AIR INDIA

"How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?" 
"Just a sec," says the rep. 
Thank you." says the Sardarji and hangs up. 

SARDARJI JOB APPLICATION

Sardarji is filling up a job application. 
He promptly fills in the lines on NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc. 
Then came the column SALARY EXPECTED 
After much thought he writes: Yes.

THERMOS FLASK

Sardarji goes into a store and sees a shiny object. 
He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?" 
The clerk replies, "That is a Thermos flask." 
The Sardar asks, "What does it do?" 
The clerk responds, "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." 
The Sardar says, "I'll take it!" 
The next day, he walks into work with his new Thermos. 
His Sardar boss sees asks, "What is that shiny object with you?" 
"It's a Thermos flask." 
The boss asks, "What does it do?" 
He replies, "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." 
The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?" 
The Sardar replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke." 

PATHAN PHOTOCOPIES

What does Pathan do after taking photocopies? 
He compares it with the original for spelling mistakes. 

How does Pathan get an extra paper white sheet?
He makes a photocopy of the white sheet. 

ATTACK AMERICA

There was a meeting of all the Surd freedom fighters. 
They were planning for a free Punjab. Santa Singh raised a point, 
"Oh...we'll take Punjab from India but how would we develop it?" 
That was a tough one indeed. Banta Singh had a brainwave... 
"No problem! We'll attack America, it would take over us and then 
we would become a State of USA and develop automatically." 
All the surds became happy with this very simple solution but an old Surd was not. Someone asked him why he wasn't happy. 
The old surd replied, "THAT'S ALL VERY WELL...WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCE WE TOOK OVER AMERICA???" 

A BLONDE MAKES COFFEE

A blonde bought one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all
the latest gadgets on it.

Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug
it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is
ready."

A few weeks later the blonde was back in the store and Riley asked her
how she liked the coffee maker.

"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't
understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a
pot of coffee?"

A LAWYER AND HIS BMW

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along
and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived
at the scene, the lawyer was hopping up and down with rage,
complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!" he shrieked.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the
officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't
even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh no...." replied the lawyer, looking down and noticing for the
first time the bloody stump where his left arm had once been.
"Where's my Rolex???"

WHO'S NORMAL?

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental  Hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mary suddenly jumped
into the deep end.  Jim promptly jumped in to save her. He swam to the 
 bottom and pulled Mary out.

When the medical director became aware of Jim's heroic act he
immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now
considered him to be mentally stable. When  he went to tell Jim the news
he said, "Jim, I have good news and bad news." 

The good news is you're being discharged because  you  jumped
in to  save the life of another  patient,  which indicates that  you
are now normal. 

The bad news is, Mary, the patient you saved, hung herself with her
bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but she's  dead.

Jim replied, "She didn't hang herself.  I put her there to dry."

WHY STUDENTS FAIL??????

It's not the fault of the student if he/she fails,
Because the year has  an 'ONLY 365' days.

Typical academic year for a student.

1.    Sundays-52,Sundays in a year, which are restdays. Balance 313 days.
2.   Summer holidays-50 where weather is very hot and difficult to study. Balance 263 days.
3.    8 hours daily sleep-means 122 days. Balance 141 days.
4.    1 hour for daily playing-(good for health) means 15 days. Balance 126 days.
5.    Two hours daily for food & other delicacies(chewproperly & eat)-means 30days. Balance 96 days.
6.    1 hour for talking (man is a social animal)-means 15 days . Balance 81 days.
7.    Exam days per year atleast 35 days. Balance 46 days.
8.    Quarterly, Half yearly and festival holidays)-40 days. Balance 6  days.
9.    For sickness atleast 3 days. Balance 3 days.
10.   Movies and functions atleast 2 days. Balance 1 day.
11.   That 1 day is your birthday. 

"How can a student pass??"

MANAGEMENT LESSON

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 
I would love to be able to get to the top of the tree, sighed the 
turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." 
"Well why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. 
"They're packed with nutrients." 
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him 
enough strength to reach the top of the tree. 
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the 
tree..... 
Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep 
you there. 

WOMENS ARE UNPREDICTABLE

Before marriage, she expects a man. 
After marriage, she suspects her man. & 
After his death, she respects him

MEN THE GEORGEOUS 

When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers. 
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When men die, our widows get the life insurance. 
What do women want to be liberated from? 

LIFE OF MAN

The average man's life consists of - twenty years of 
having his mother ask him where he is going; forty
years of having his wife ask the same question; 
and at the end, the mourners are wondering too. 

GUARDIIAN ANGEL

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice
from behind: u take one more step, a brick will fall
down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a
big brick fell right in front of him. The man wasastonished. 
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross
the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand
still! If you take one more step a car will run over
you, and you will die." The man did as he was
instructed, just as a car came careening around the
corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man
asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardianangel," the
voice answered. "Oh, yeah?" the man asked. "And where
the hell were you when I got married? 

DEAR MY SAPNO KI RANI

Dear My Sapno Ki Rani, 
KYA KEHNA the first time I saw you, 
I asked my self HUM APKE HAI KAUN,
feeling that KUCH KUCH HOTA HAI so I decided to forward you a PUKAR 
from DIL SE. 
I thought that by the way HUM TO MOHABBAT KAREGA
so with my DIL TO PAGAL HAI, 
I Kooool to be your HERO No.1 
and I'll make you my BIWI No.1.
You might think that I am fooling you as BADAL
but remember JHOOT BOLE KAWA KATE.
Please JANAM SAMJA KARO that PYAAR KOHI KHEL NAHIN 
and I admit that DIL DE CHUKE SANAM.
I trust AAP MERE HAI SANAM. 
I believe that HUM APKE DIL MEIN REHTE HAIN for HAMESHA.
Remember JAB PYAR KISSI SE HOTA HAI why not AA ABH LAUT CHALEIN
and you can come SAAJAN KI BAHON MEI. There is SIRF TUM in my life.
If you say YES BOSS, then I will become your JORU KA GULAM.
Don't worry be happy, DHOLI SAJA KE RAKHNA 
because DILWALE DULHANIYA LE JAYENGE.
KAHO NA PYAR HAI, MERE SANAM.

Yours Sincerely,

DEEWANA MASTANA.
 

Here is the REPLY of the letter

Dear Deewana Mastana,
Thank you for your love letter. 
However I feel HADH KUR DI AAPNE for HUM APKE HAI KAUN? DIL CHAHTA HAI,
I should tell you I think youre a JAANWAR and a SHREE 420! 
I have to tell you I know your MOHABBATEIN are false. 
How dare you look at me you COOLIE No. 1! 
if you were here in front of me 
Id hit you with my chapple so hard your head will spin with these YAADEIN.
You said KUCH KUCH HOTA HAI every time you think of me 
but I know you feel HASEENA MAAN JAYEGEE to every girl you see.
RAM JAANE what Ill do to you if I catch you.
If you have any KHAUF you will feel DARR from me.
Youre a KUNWARA leading a RANGEELA lifestyle, 
with friends saying CHAL MERE BHAI spending all your nights on the SARAK
I am sure the SHOLAY in your heart you say burn for me is nothing 
but indigestion from too much eating and drinking. 
Describing yourself as BAADSHAH and HIMMUTVAAR, 
you sound like JUNGLI to me. 
You say you want to make me your BIWI No. 1 
however I say you lack INSANIYAAT! 
I cant believe you think Ill turn to you and say KAHO NA PYAR HAI!
Id much rather kiss a BICHOO than go near you! 
Any of AMER AKBAR ANTHONY would be better suited to me than you. 
DILWALE DULHANIYA LE JAYENGE you said but I say your DIL TO PAGAL HAI. 
Dont you realize that ANDAZ APNA APNA
and that their cant be no EK RISHTA between us. 
We are like a MOHRA in the game of life 
and its always KABHI KHUSHI KABHI GHUM. 
The open FIZA with its changing weather is testament to that 
so please leave it as AKELE HUM AKELE TUM. 
Besides Im already engaged to a guy with ROTI KAPRA AUR MAKAAN.
Hes no KHAL NAYAK like you. And hes my real HERO, my real JIVAN SAATHI.
And with him I really know YEAH RAASTE HAI PYAR KE 
and there can be no space in my ZINDAGI for anyone but him. 
Youll only end up causing an AFLATOON 
because hes a MAJOR SAHAB in the Army working on the BORDER 
and hell kill you if he finds out so save yourself from becoming the foundations of a DEEWAR
and leave me alone. 

Yours Faithfully,

GHAR WALI BHAHAR WALI

Who HU CHINA MAN

HU'S ON FIRST by James Sherman
 

We take you now to the Oval Office.....enter Condi

George Bush, Jr: Condi! Nice to seeyou. What's happening? 

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. 

George: Great. Lay it on me. 

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. 

George: That's what I want to know. 

Condi: That's what I'm telling you. 

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China? 

Condi: Yes. 

George: I mean the fellow's name. 

Condi: Hu. 

George: The guy in China. 

Condi: Hu. 

George: The new leader of China. 

Condi: Hu. 

George: The Chinaman! 

Condi: Hu is leading China. 

George: Now whaddya' asking me for? 

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China. 

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China? 

Condi: That's the man's name. 

George: That's who's name? 

Condi: Yes. 

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir. 

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the  Middle East. 

Condi: That's correct. 

George: Then who is in China? 

Condi: Yes, sir. 

George: Yassir is in China? 

Condi: No, sir. 

George: Then who is? 

Condi: Yes, sir. 

George: Yassir? 

Condi: No, sir. 

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. 

Condi: Kofi? 

George: No, thanks. 

Condi: You want Kofi? 

George: No. 

Condi: You don't want Kofi. 

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of  milk. And then get me the U.N. 

Condi: Yes, sir. 

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

 Condi: Kofi? 

George: Milk! Will you please make the call? 

Condi: And call who? 

George: Who is the guy at the U.N? 

Condi: Hu is the guy in China. 

George: Will you stay out of China? 

Condi: Yes, sir. 

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. 

Condi: Kofi. 

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. 

Condi picks up the phone.

Condi: Rice, here. 

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China.And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East 

TEACHER

Teacher : What do you call a person who keeps on
talking when 
people are no longer interested? 
Pupil: A Teacher. 

TEACHER - CROCODILE

TEACHER : John, how do you spell "crocodile"? 
JOHN : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L" 
TEACHER : No, that's wrong 
JOHN : Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell
it! 

TEACHER - CHEMICAL FORMULA

TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water? 
SARAH : "HIJKLMNO"!! 
TEACHER : What are you talking about? 
SARAH : Yesterday you said it's H to O! 

TEACHER - PAST

TEACHER : Willy, name one important thing we have
today that we  didn't have ten years ago. 
WILLY : Me! 

TEACHER - DIRTY

TEACHER : Tommy, why do you always get so dirty? 
TOMMY : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you
are. 

TEACHER - ENGLISH

TEACHER : Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN : I is... 
TEACHER : No, Ellen. Always say, "I am." 
ELLEN : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the
alphabet." 

TEACHER - COINCIDENCE

Teacher : "Can anybody give an example of
COINCIDENCE?" 
Johnny : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the
same day same time." 

TEACHER - BROTHERHOOD

Teacher : Now, children, if I saw a man beating a
donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be
showing?
Student : Brotherly love. 

TEACHER - DOG

Teacher : Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is
exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his? 
Desmond : No, teacher, it's the same dog! 

PATHAN PURCHASING TV

Pathan went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to Pathan" he replied.
He hurried home removed his turban and changed his hair style, and returned to tell the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to Pathan," Salesman replied. "Damn, he recognized me," he thought. he went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new hair color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before he again approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to Pathan," he replied.
Frustrated, he exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a Pathan?" "Because that's a microwave, Not a TV" he replied. 

PATHAN'S DAY OUT

Why did 18 Pathan go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed. 

----------------------------------

How do you make a Pathan laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

----------------------------------

Why does Pathan always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken. 

PATHAN - TRAIN

Shakir Khan & Jazbat Khan are in a railway station.
Jazbat khan asks the clerk: "Can I take this train to Quetta?"
"No," answers the Railway man.
"Can I?" asks Shakir Khan

PATHAN - CHILD

Pathan got the 4th child. He fills data in the birth certificate "Mother: Pathan. Father: Pathan. Kid: Chinese."
"How come you write "Chinese" when both parents are Pathan?"
" Aah, read a newspaper, it says that every 4th person born on the Earth now is a Chinese." 

PATHAN - LOTTERY

Kaka Rori buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.
Our Pathan says, "I want my $20 million."The man replied,
"No, Sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
Kaka said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explained that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
Pathan, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! if you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my 1 dollar back!"

PATHAN - DESERT

A Pathan,a Japanese, and a British were lost in the desert. They were driving around in a Jeep when it broke down, because they had nothing else they decided to each take a piece of the Jeep as they continued their journey. The Japanese took the radiator, the British took the seat, and the Pathan took the door.
After a while of walking the British asked the Japanese "I'm confused, why did you bring the radiator?" The Japanese responded, "If I get thirsty, can drink the fluid."
Next the Pathan asked the British "Why did you bring the seat?"
So the British said "If I get tired,I am not going to sit on the sand. I can sit on this comfortable seat."
Finally the Japanese asked the Pathan why he had chosen the door.
The Pathan quickly responded to this question, "Well, when it gets hot all I have to do is roll down the window."

INSECT IN COFEE - INTERNATIONAL

What If an Insect Falls in Your Cup of Coffee 

The Englishman: Throws the cup away and walks out of the cafe 
The American: Asks the waiter for another cup of coffee. 
The Mexican: Takes the insect out and drinks the coffee 
The Chinese: Eats the insect and throws the coffee away 
The Besieged Palestinian: Drinks the coffee and eats the insect 

The Israeli: 
* Sells the coffee to the Americans and the insect to the Chinese 
* Screams that his security is in peril 
* Accuses the Palestinians of throwing the insect in his coffee 
* Alleges that Hizbullah, the Syrians and the Iranians advocate attacks with weapons of mass insects 
* Relates this vicious attack to Palestinian Terrorism; attacks on Human Rights, Anti-Semitism, the Holocaust, the Diaspora, the Exodus and Discrimination on Noah's Ark 
* Asks Arafat to immediately stop insects from flying in the air or landing in coffee cups 
* Re-occupies the West Bank and Gaza, razes houses, cuts off water and electricity, humiliates and terrorizes civilians, kills or maims anyone in his way 
* Imposes on the Americans more military aid 
* Demands a 100-year, billion-dollar, loan from America to buy another cup of coffee 
* Claims life-time free coffee from the cafe as compensation 

They've got the best lawyers! 

MEANINGFUL DEFINITIONS ( DICTIONARY OF LIFE )

Some meaningful definitions (according to the dictionary of life...) 
1) Father: A banker provided by nature. 
2) Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early. 
3) Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight. 
4) Rumor: News that travels at the speed of sound. 
5) Dictionary: The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
6) Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do. 
7) Marriage: It is an agreement in which a man loses his bachelors degree and woman gains her master's. 
8) Experience: The name men give to their mistakes. 
9) Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions. 
10) Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich. 
11) Criminal: A guy no different from the rest of us.... except that he got caught. 
12) Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills 

FUNNY STATEMENTS

U r 100% beautiful
u r 100% lucky
u r 100% sweet
u r 100% nice
and u r 100% stupid to believe these words 

PSYCHOLOGICAL TEST

This is a genuine psychological test.

It is a story about a girl.
Whilst at the funeral of her own mother, she met this guy whom she
did not know.She thought this guy was amazing, so much her Kooool guy
she believed him to be, that she fell in love with him there but
never asked for his number and then...
A few days later the girl killed her own sister.

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?
 

Give this some thought for a while before you scroll down.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

*Answer: She hoped that the guy would appear at the funeral again.

If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.

This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to test if
one has the same mentality as a killer.

Many arrested serial killers took part in this test and answered it
correctly. If you didn't answer correctly - good for you.

If your friends hit the jackpot, may I suggest that you keep your
distance. (If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I
take you off my distribution list...)

FUNNY POETRY

Funny shayeri:

Mohabbat mujhay un jawano se hai
Jo khatay peetay gharano se hain

--------------------------------------

Lurka:
Aj bagh may kali hai, kal gulaab ho ga
Mujh se shadi karle, bara sawab ho ga

Lurki:
Jo tum say  shadi  karayga,
us ka dimaagh kharaab ho ga

Hathi nay jub dekha hathni ko sanwar ke
Kaha sadqay jaoo tumhari patli kamar pe

---------------------------------------

Ishq kay samander main gota lagaya
Pani thanda tha main bahar nikal aya

--------------------------------------

Un ki gali say guzray, ajab ittefaq tha
Unho nay phool phanka,gamla bhi saath tha

--------------------------------------

Mera dil para hai loose
Is ko matt karo tum use
Warna parain gay tum ko shoes

baat chali teri aankhon se jaa pohanchi pemaane tak
khiich rahi hai teri ulfat mujhe aaj maikhaane tak 

--------------------------------------

Toot Jaate Hain Sabhi Rishte Magar
Dil Se Dil Ka Raabta Apni Jagah
Dil Ko Hai Tujh Se Na Milne Ka Yaqeen
Tujh Se Milne Ki Dua Apni Jagah

--------------------------------------

udas nazroon say daikh layna tha
agar tamanna thi aazmanay ki....

hum tu behoosh yun hi ho jatay 
kia zaroorat thi muskoranay ki..
 

I look at the stars, the stars r beautiful 
Then I look at you......
I ......
I ....... 
I rather look at the stars again. ***** 

Look at the world as one big chocolate cake. It would never be complete without few sweets n nuts. 
Sweets like ME and nuts like YOU. 

--------------------------------------

I have a confession to make, ever since I have known u, 
Its kinda hard for me to forget u.
Every night u appear in my Kooools, And I find my self shouting..... 
BHOOT !!! BHOOT !!! 

TYPES OF AASHIQ 

Arz Kia Hai ................ 

AMEER AASHIQ :
Main Bhee Kharidar Hoon Main Bhi Khareedon Gaa
Piyar Kahan Bikta Hai Pata Bata Doo ........ 

GHAREEB AASHIQ :
Sona Na Chandi Na Koi Mehal Jane-Mann
Tughko Me Day Sakoon Gaa ........ 

JHOOTA AASHIQ :
Kal Shab Dekha Main Ne Chand Jharokay Mein
Uss Ko Kia Salaam Tumharay Dhokay Mein ........ 

SACHAA AASHIQ:
Dil Hogaya Hai Tera Dewana Aab Koi Jachta Nahin
Naadan Hai Samaghta Nahin Binteray Rehta Nahin ........ 

KAMYAB AASHIQ:
O Kendi Hai Sayaan Main Teri Yaan ........ 

NAKAAM AASHIQ:
Inn Say Nain Mila Kay Dekho Ya Dhoka Bhee Kha Kay Dekho 

CHALAAK AASHIQ :
Buss Bhai Buss Ziyada Baat Nahin Memsaab
Aaj Kay Baad Mulaqat Nahin Memsaab ........ 

MAJBOOR AASHIQ :
Izhar Bhee Mushkil Hai Kuch Kah Bhee Nahin Saktay
Majboor Hai Uff Allah Chup Rah Bhee Nahi Saktay ...... 
 

BUZDIL AASHIQ :
Me Tera Shehar Chour Jaoun Gaa ........ 

DHEETE AASHIQ :
Chahay Jiss Shehar Bhee Jaen Chahay Jiss Mulk Bhee Jaen
May Hi Mahiwal Hoon Tera Sohniye Tu Meri Gal sun ja .... 

IZZAT DAR AASHIQ :
Teri Ruswayon Say Darta Hoon
Jub Teray Shehar Se Guzar Taa Hoon

IF WINDOWS WERE IN PUNJABI 

If windows were to be in Punjabi, then you would be using the following commands on your computer: 

Send           = Sutto 
Insert         = Wich Paao 
Attachement    = Naal Laao 
Edit           = Sidda Karo 
View           = Waikhee Jaao 
Forward        = Aggay Sutto 
Inbox          = Undar Da Daak Khaana
Outbox         = Baar Da Daak Khana 
Trash          = Mitti Paao 
Sent Items     = Bheji Gayee Dak 
Address Book   = Patay Wali Kaapy 
Reply          = Bejan Walay Nu Jawab do 
Reply All      = Saareyaan Nu Jawab do 
Delete         = Daffa Karo 
Download       = Thallay Laao 
Download All   = Saary Cheezan Noon Thallay Laao 
Properties    = Jaidaad 
Connect        = Naal Milaao 
Fonts          = Likhaai 
Accounts       = Galla 
Drafts         = Chitheeyaan 
Find           = Labbo 
Paste          = Thook Naal Chipkaao 
From           = Bhejan Walaa Banda 
To             = Door Betha Hoya Banda 
Subject        = Khaas Gall 
Carbon Copy    = Koelay Walee Naqal 
Blind Carbon Copy = Anni Koelay Walee Naqal 
Stationery     = Pensal, Rubburd, Shaapnar 
Folders        = Thailay 
High priority  = Waddee Takleef 
and finally 
Ctrl+Alt+Delete= Sara Syapa Mukaao.. 

FILM NAMES USING COMPUTER NAMES

 Some of film names compared with computer terms here 

 1) Pentium III & Pentium I        - Bade miyan and Chhote miyan. 
 2) Computer infected by Virus     - Pyar to Hona hi tha. 
 3) Hard disk and Floppy disk      - Gharwaali Baharwaali. 
 4) F1                             - Guide. 
 5) Esc                            - Nau Do Gyarah. 
 6) Ctrl+Alt+Del                   - Akhri Rastaa. 
 7) CrtlC + CtrlV                  - Duplicate. 
 8) Undo                           - Aa ab laut chale. 
 9) Super User Password            - Gupt. 
 10 )BackUp                        - Jaagte raho. 
 11) UPS                           - Janta Hawaldar. 
 12 ) Server                       - Godfather. 
 13) Proxy Server                  - Padosan. 
 14) Security                      - Nakabandi.
 15) Storage                       - Tehkhana. 
 16) Storage capacity              - Badhti ka naam Dadhi. 
 17) Computer without RAM          - Kora Kagaz. 
 18) Computer whose OS is DOS      - Buddha mil gaya. 
 19) System which frequently requires bootable disk - Sharabi. 
 20) Dumb Terminal                 - Anari. 
 21) Mouse                         - Jaanwar. 
 22) Hard Disk partition           - Batwara. 
 23) Hardware & Software           - Ek duje ke liye. 
 24) Temporary file                - Khote Sikkey. 
 25) Operator vs Computer          - Mein khiladi Tu Anadi. 
 26) NRI                           - Phir bhi Dil hai Hindustaani. 
 27) Indian Programmers            - Jawab Hum denge. 
 28) Contractor                    - Bakra Kisto pe. 
 29) Employee on Probation         - Paying Guest. 
 30)Employee who works Sincerely   - Dil Se. 
 31) Employee who is ready to Leave his job      - Doli Saja Ke Rakhna. 
 32) Employee for more than 3 yrs in the company - Amar Prem. 
 33) Employee who signs a Bond                   - Bandhan. 
 34) Employee who does not signs a Bond          - Kachche Dhage. 
 35) Employees Changing Job frequently           - Banjaare. 
 36) Employee Changing his Platform              - Badalte Rishte 

GIRLS ARE COMPLEX CREATURES 

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying 
If you don't, you are good for nothing 

If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp 
If you don't, you are not understanding 

If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring 
If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing 

If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy 
If you don't, you are a dull boy 

If you are jealous, she says it's bad 
If you don't, she thinks you do not love her 

If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard towait 
If she is late, she says that's a girl's way 

If you visit another man, you'r not putting in "quality time" 
If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural,we are girls" 

If you fail to help her in crossing the street,you lack ethics
If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction 

If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting 
If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring 

If you talk, she wants you to listen 
If you listen, she wants you to talk 

In short

So simple, yet so complex 
So weak, yet so powerful 
So confusing, yet so desirable 

and at last, but not least ,,,,,,,

can't live with them.. 
can't live without them ... 

ENGLISH / FRENCH / NATHERLANDS STATEMENTS

Love is love, 
Love is you, 
I love love, 
So I love you 

roses are red,
diamonds are blue,
god made me pritty
but what the hell did he do to you?!

Ik denk niet veel 
Ik denk niet gauw 
Maar als ik denk 
Denk ik aan jou..

Sex is like NOKIA (connectingpeople), 
Sex is like NIKE (just do it), 
Sex is like PEPSI (ask for more), 
Sex is like SAMSUNG (everyones invited)

Don't love one
Don't love two
But love the one
Who loves you too!

Of all the friends 
I've ever met, 
You're the one 
I won't forget. 

And if I die 
Before you do, 
I'll go to heaven 
And wait for you. 

Just to prove my 
friendship is true. 
to have a friend like you! 

Tranen om jou!!!!
Een traan in mijn ogen.. 
Een traan om jou.....
Een traan dat uitdrukt.
Hoeveel ik van je hou!!!

Een vriendschap als deze 
kom ik nooit meer tegen,
Nooit zal iemand ooit mij nog 
zoveel liefde kunnen geven.

Ze Hebben Me Geleerd Dat 1 Uur 60 Minuten Is
Ze Hebben Me Geleerd Dat 1 Minuut 60 Seconden Is 
Maar Ze Leerden Me Nooit Dat 1 Seconde Zonder Jou Eeuwig Duren Kan!!

Ik Hou Van 2 Dingen...
Ik Hou Van Rozen En Van Jou...
Van Rozen Maar Heel Even..
En Van Jou Me Hele Leven.

Nou gullie hebbuh wel gemerkt dhak dha beertje helemaal sweet vin. Dus 
darom komen er hieronder pica's van mun sweety beertjuh !

QUOTES

a- Subhana Allah  (Allah is Holy)
b- Alhamdu Lillah ( all goodness is for Allah)
c- Allaho Akbar (Allah is greatest)
d- La ilaha illal Allahu Muhammad ur rasoolul Allah (There is no god but Allah, and Muhammad (pbuh) is the messenger of Allah.
e- Allahoma sallay aala sayyadina Muhammadin wa ala alahi waashabahi wassallum (Allah , pour your goodness to Muhammad PBUH and on their companions )

work like you don't need money, 
Love like you've never been hurt, 
And dance like no one's watching. 

Money

It can buy a House
But not a Home

It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep

It can buy a Clock
But not Time

It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge

It can buy you a Position
But not Respect

It can buy you Medicine
But not Health

It can buy you Blood
But not Life

So you see money isn't everything. 
And it often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you this because I am your Friend, 
and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering!

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you! Cash only please.

keep your head and heart in right direction, you'll never have to worry about your feet.

if you are kind, people may accuse you of being selfish, and having ulterior motives..
BE KIND ANYWAY,,,

if you are successful, you will win some false friends, and some true enemies..
SUCCEED ANYWAY,,,

if you are honest and frank, people may cheat you..
BE HONEST AND FRANK ANYWAY,,,

what you spend years building, someone may try to destroy overnight..
BUILD ANYWAY,,,

if you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous..
BE HAPPY ANYWAY,,,

the good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow..
DO GOOD ANYWAY,,,

give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough..
GIVE THE WORLD THE BEST HAVE ANY WAY,,,

you see, in the final analysis, it's between you and God..
IT WAS NEVER BETWEEN YOU AND THEM ANYWAY.

It takes a minute to have a crush.An hour to like someone.A day to fall in love.And a lifetime to 

LiFe IS nOTThiNg,, bUT SomEthInG,, iF FOr oThErs..............

if u love to be a hundred, i want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so i never have to live without you

u r often in my thoughts and alwyaz in my heart forever and alwayz

those who mind dont matter, but those who matter dont mind

love is misunderstanding b/w two fools

ur wish is not my wish but my wish is your wish so what u will think about wish thats wish is wish and this wish will agreed upon some wish which i and u dont know thats whats that wish

samaj ka samja  samajna hee aik samaj hai, jo na samag hai usko keya samaj hai 

The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with you your entire life is yourself

all goes if courage goes

Practice makes perfect..... But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?

Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word ?

Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman.
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

The wise never marry, and when they marry they become otherwise.

"Your future depends on your Kooools"  So go to sleep

 "ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY" 
 So what ? Who's in a hurry ? 

 "Hard work never killed anybody"
 But why take the risk ! (I don't want to be an 
 exception!) 

 "Work fascinates me" 
 I can look at it for hours ! 

 The more you learn, the more you know, 
 The more you know, the more you forget 
 The more you forget, the less you know 
 So.. why learn. 

WHEN U DIE

It was early in the morning at four,
When death knocked upon a bedroom door,
Who is there? The sleeping one cried.
I'm Malkul Mawt, let me inside.
At once, the man began to shiver,
As one sweating in deadly fever,
He shouted to his sleeping wife,
Don't let him take away my life.
Please go away, O Angel of Death!
Leave me alone; I'm not ready yet.
My family on me depends,
Give me a chance, O please prepense!
The angel knocked again and again,
Friend! I'll take your life without a pain,
Tis your soul Allah requires,
I come not with my own desire.
Bewildered, the man began to cry,
O Angel I'm so afraid to die,
I'll give you gold and be your slave,
Don't send me to the unlit grave.
Let me in, O Friend! The Angel said,
Open the door; get up from your bed,
If you do not allow me in,
I will walk through it, like a Jinn.
The man held a gun in his right hand,
Ready to defy the Angel's stand.
I'll point my gun, towards your head,
You dare come in; I'll shoot you dead.
By now the Angel was in the room,
Saying, O Friend! Prepare for you doom.
Foolish man, Angels never die,
Put down your gun and do not sigh.
Why are you afraid! Tell me O man,
To die according to Allah's plan?
Come smile at me, do not be grim,
Be Happy to return to Him.
O Angel! I bow my head in shame,
I had no time to take Allah's Name.
From morning till dusk, I made my wealth,
Not even caring for my health.
Allah's command I never obeyed,
Nor five times a day I ever prayed.
A Ramadan came and a Ramadan went,
But no time had I to repent.
The Hajj was already fard on me,
But I would not part with my money.
All charities I did ignore,
Taking usury more and more.
Sometimes I sipped my favorite wine,
With flirting women I sat to dine.
O Angel! I appeal to you,
Spare my life for a year or two.
The Laws of Quran I will obey,
I'll begin SALAH this very day.
My Fast and Hajj, I will complete,
And keep away from self-conceit.
I will refrain from usury,
And give all my wealth to charity,
Wine and wenches I will detest,
Allah's oneness I will attest.
We Angels do what Allah demands,
We cannot go against His commands.
Death is ordained for everyone,
Father, mother, daughter or son.
I'm afraid this moment is your last,
Now be reminded, of your past,
I do understand your fears,
But it is now too late for tears.
You lived in this world, two score and more,
Never did you, your people adore.
Your parents, you did not obey,
Hungry beggars, you turned away.
Instead of making more Muslims,
You made your children non-Muslims.
You ignored the Mua'dhin Adhaan,
Nor did you read the Holy Quran.
Breaking promises all your life,
Backbiting friends, and causing strife.
From hoarded goods, great profits you made,
And your poor workers, you underpaid.
Horses and cards were your leisure,
Moneymaking! was your pleasure.
You ate vitamins and grew more fat,
With the very sick, you never sat.
A pint of blood you never gave,
Which could have a little baby saved?
O Human, you have done enough wrong,
You bought good properties for a song.
When the farmers appealed to you,
You did not have mercy, tis true.
Paradise for you? I cannot tell,
Undoubtedly you will dwell in hell.
There is no time for you to repent!
I'll take your soul for which I am sent.
The ending however, is very sad,
Eventually the man became mad >
With a cry, he jumped out of bed,
And suddenly, he fell down dead.
O Reader! Take moral from here,
You never know, your end may be near
Change your living and make amends
For heaven, on your deeds depends.
If this poem insp! ires you,
It can help someone too.

LIPS PRINTS

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of 
the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the 
bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints. 

Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered 
all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to 
meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. 

They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian 
waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem 
for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the 
ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he 
wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. 

The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out 
of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to 
the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick. 

That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror. 

EXPRESSING LOVE

If u r interested in one of ur cousins, and u don't have the guts to 
tell her that u love her a lot, then don't worry at all. Some people 
have something for ya ...and it really works. 

If ur cousin comes to ur place and when u get the chance to catch 
her in the kitchen then go and squeeze her ...... if she turns back 
and passes a beautiful smile then...... Congratulations........she 
loves u too......... But..... if she turns and Hold her CHIMTA or 
DOYEEEEEEE then just hold ur breath and start claping and saying 
BAJI DER GAEEEN --------BAJI DER GAEEEN......... 

FAMILY PLANNING

God asked Allama Iqbal how many children he had during his time on earth. 
He replied saying he had Five! Happy with the relatively good family planning adopted, 
God gave Iqbal a Mercedes! Liaqat Ali is asked the same question. 
When he replies he had 10 children, 
God is a bit upset and gives him a cheaper car, the Ford. 
Sir sayed is next. He decides to see what happens if he says he had 15 children, 
God is pretty angry and gives him an inexpensive Maruti. 
Sometime later the three saw Quaid e Azam returning on foot. 
They ask why God hadn't given him anything. Jinnah replied with anger, 
"Some idiot told God that I was the father of the nation!!!" 

POLITICS

A young boy approaches his father and asks, "Dad, what is politics all about?"

Dad says,
"Well, son, let me try to explain it to you this way...
I'm the bread winner of the family, so let's call me 'Capitalism.'
Your Mom, she's the administrator of the household, so we'll call her the 'Government.' 
We are here to take care of YOUR needs, so we'll call you 'The People.' 
The nanny, well, she works hard all day for very little money, so we'll consider her 'The Working Class.'
And, finally, your baby brother...we'll call him 'The Future.'
Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."

The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his dad has said. 
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. 
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound sleep. 
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. 
Finding the door locked, he peeks into the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. 
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father,
"Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says,
"Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies,
"Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep,
the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep shit."

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway.
I went to breakfast owing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy 
Birthday," and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I 
thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The 
children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. 
As I walked into my office, my secretary,Janet said, "Good Morning Boss, 
Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better;someone had remembered. I 
worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, 
it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to 
lunch, just you and me." 
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's 
go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; 
we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two 
martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the
office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need 
to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, 
"Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I 
think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more 
comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied. 
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out 
carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of 
our friends. All were singing Happy Birthday... and there on the couch I 
sat ... naked.

PARROTS

A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two
female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquires.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to yourproblem.
Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two
male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will
teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots
will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responds.

The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His
two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady
puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots
say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads
away. Our prayers have been answered!"

SUN BATHING

A rather well proportioned young lady, Joan, 
spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel. 
She wore a bathing suit the first day but,
on the second, being a naturist, she decided that no one could see her way up there, 
so she slipped out of it for an overall tan. 

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. 
She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, 
out of breath from running up the stairs. 
"The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but 
we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." 

"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. 
"No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." 

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight." 

COCA COLA IN  MIDDLE EAST

 The disappointed salesman of Coke returns from his Middle East assignment. A 
friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs ?" 

 The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very 
confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown 
there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to 
convey the message through 3 posters.. First poster, a man crawling through the 
hot desert sand.. totally exhausted. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and 
Third, our man is now totally refreshed.Then these posters were pasted all over 
the place" 

 "That should have worked", said the friend." 

 He replied, "Well, I didn't know Arabic, neither did I realize that Arabs 
read from right to left..." 

INDIAN TEAM 

It's the end of the day at a cricket tournament in Sharjah and India as usual has lost yet another game to Pakistan. 
At that very moment Sachin Tandulkar gets a call from his wife. She says, "Darling, have you bought all the gifts that I had asked you to get for me?"
He replies, "Well, I'd really like to, but the crowd outside is waiting to beat me up, so I can`t leave my hotel room." 

His wife replies, "That's no problem, honey. Just dress yourself as a lady. You should have no problem leaving the hotel." 
Sachin does just that and goes shopping around. No one recognizes him anywhere until he reaches the last shop. That's when he hears a cheery, "Hi Sachin, it's nice to see you here!" 

Totally shocked, he turns around to see a lady in a burkha. "How the heck did you know that it was me?" 

The lady replies, "Don't worry yaar. It's me, Rahul